My sexuality

For some time now I've been scared to identify with any sexuality. Not for the expected reason, I'm very comfortable with the fact that I'm attracted to both sexes but at the same time it's something I suppose I do shy away from speaking about. That's because I am attracted to both sexes. It's almost somehow easier to be completely gay or straight because there's a sense of definiteness and assurance whereas bisexuality is seen as more erratic and well, fake.

I've explored this attitude towards bisexuality in a previous blogpost and it is an attitude that I think is very prominent in society and amongst all generations. Many see it as a cover up, a way to half come out but not commit to the full sexuality, a way to scarper from too much judgement. Some see it as a fashion statement (urgh) and others see it as a fairytale, a cover up for promiscuity and curiousness.

I'm additionally afraid to identify with this label as I'm not just 50/50 straight and gay. Again, sexuality is not that black and white so I struggle to explain to people that I'm more emotionally attracted to one gender and more sexually attracted to the other. A lot of people don't class that as bisexual and then I'm left in another middle ground, unable to identify with anything.

Is that so wrong though? Why should I be pressured to have a label? Being label-less doesn't change who I'm attracted to. I don't have to try and justify my sexuality. I'm confident within my feelings towards both men and women.

The issue I feel I face is how do I go about finding a girl who is only looking for a sexual relationship. It seems common to be accused of using people when you are bisexual and I feel a much stronger sexual attraction to women than I do romantic (although of late I've been starting to question that.) I would never purposely get involved with someone to use them or string them along, having no strings attached sex doesn't make me immoral.

However it is difficult not to get wrapped up in the stereotypes and the stigma. I catch myself worrying sometimes that maybe I am an attention seeker looking to exploit the sexualisation of girl on girl action (despite my over active mind, I'm definitely not.) Sometimes I wonder whether I can be a 'real' bisexual if I don't have an equal attraction to the sexes but as I've said before, I truly believe that sexuality is a spectrum and so it's perfectly normal to be somewhere near the middle without a perfect balance of allure to both men and women.

Gender and Sexuality

''That's not very lady like''                                                                                         ''Feelings are gay''
               ''Are you a lesbian then?''                                       ''He's really emotional, it's weird''

''She was probably the hottest girl in the year but then she got her hair cut like a lesbian.
She looks like a boy now''

Those are just a handful of the comments I've received and heard in the last few years.

I'm going to dissect these small quotes to show what the individual saying them is subconsciously (or possibly consciously) saying.

''That's not very lady like'' - Regardless of the fact that biologically you are a women and that without your consent and a long transitioning procedure you remain a women, if you do not adhere to your specific gender roles you are not 'lady like.'

''Feelings are gay'' - The idea that showing any sort of emotional vulnerability is an automatic admission of your sexual preference. That to be a 'real man' you must hide any kind of emotion including love, feelings, sadness. You must be 'macho' and 'strong' and showing emotion contradicts that. It also reinforces the idea that the term gay is an insult and a derogatory phrase, which it is not.

''Are you a lesbian then?'' - The automatic response to an admission of physical or emotional attraction to the same sex (in this case a female.) Stresses the idea that if you find someone of the same sex physically attractive you are automatically sexually attracted to them rather than just appreciating your admiration of their appearance. Doesn't consider the concept of pansexuality, bisexuality or the idea that sexuality is a spectrum rather than a black and white thing.

''He's really emotional, it's weird'' - The idea that a male showing emotion is abnormal and additionally should be frowned upon. Does not consider the fact that as a human being if one gender has the capacity to show emotion and vulnerability so does any other. Reinforces gender roles and that the sexes are separate and isolated from each other.

''She was probably the hottest girl in the year but then she got her hair cut like a lesbian. She looks like a boy now'' - The idea that although she was the most physically attractive girl this person had met the result of cutting a few inches of hair off has now made her appear to have changed genders, regardless of the fact that she remains to facially look the same and have the exact same fashion sense. Portrays the idea that a simple act of cutting ones hair is enough to determine their sexual preference and additionally change their sexual preference and sex.


All these quotes are based on such old fashioned ideals. We're instructed to take on the role of a specific gender just because we were born with certain sexual reproductive organs, despite the fact that realistically the roles are largely intensified.

I'm aware biologically the different sexes tend to naturally have some different roles ie the woman is more maternal whereas the male is physically stronger. This doesn't mean that a woman isn't a woman if she doesn't have a desire to have children or a man isn't a man because he prefers the arts to sports and science.

It also doesn't require that the sexes must conform to certain physical characteristics. If a woman wants short hair and to dress more typically 'masculine' that doesn't mean she's a lesbian or wants to be a boy, she's just dressing the way she feels comfortable.

This applies to emotional attributes as well. If a male feels more comfortable  when he is able to show his emotions and tell others how he feels it does not mean he's gay or weak.

The idea of masculinity and femininity to me seems like a way of separating man and women and is an additional way to reinforce patriarchy even though at times it can suppress men too. Just like sexuality, gender is a spectrum. Men aren't naturally emotionless, they are taught to suppress they're feelings to appear dominant and strong. Women don't have a natural desire to wear makeup and be excessively feminine, they are taught to. We are all taught ways to conform to our gender roles from the day we are born, whether it be through the colour codes of our baby grows to the toys we were bought as we grew up.

Sexuality is the same. We are lead to believe that you're straight or you're gay. Bisexuality is acknowledged but the stigma surrounding the label is one of doubt. Many believe it's a coward's label, an attention seeker's label, a commitment phobe's label. However it's just as much of a spectrum as gender.