Do we really love the classics or are we just being righteous?

When I first read Dickens I couldn't shake the thought that he was just so pretentious. His extensive descriptions and elite language made me sure of it. Turns out I was wrong, seen as contextually he was actually a bit of a commoner and his target audience was the working class. That told me.

Even so, prior to 2014 I couldn't understand the hype around so many of the classics. I thought the majority of the plots in the literary canon weren't enticing enough, just the cliché boy meets girl storyline. Oh how ignorant I was. It's actually surprising to me how many classics seem to challenge the structure of society when the assumed audience of this genre are so commonly the elite, the ones that benefit from the hierarchy that's under fire and who resist revolution.

Whilst Shakespeare's metaphorical thinking is mind blowing and Orwell seems to be a psychic, it still begs the question of whether we respect the classics because of their literary greatness or because we are supposed to. It's ok to like Harry Potter but we can't put Rowling ahead of Austen because she's not good enough or because she hasn't stood the test of time?

The lack of ethnic representation in the canon clarifies my doubts on whether these books and authors really are the best of the best or whether they are purely a collection of works that the white elite have considered worthy of respect. I don't doubt the standard of writing for a minute but 'the best of the best' is always going to be a pair of boots that are too big to fill. 

Let me back on the wagon!

It's the 29th of January and by this point most people's new year's resolutions are buried 6 feet under and we all let out a sigh of disappointment citing 'maybe next year.' I'm definitely no exception to this custom. Every year I'm buzzing with the same level of unrealistic optimism that 'this year will be the year that everything changes' and there will be a 'new me'. There's a part of me that knows deep down that probably not even three days later I will have eaten my body weight in my Christmas chocolate, stayed in my pyjamas for 36 hours straight and made the most of the last few films being shown on TV before all the new seasons of our favourites are released again.

This year however, I did attack the whole new year's resolution a little differently. I didn't force myself to act as if the 1st of January was the make it or break it day, I just decided that whatever aims I have for this year I am allowed to say I have successfully achieved them as long as they are met by the 1st of Jan 2016.

If you look at my archive you can probably tell I had another blow to my motivation by the end of November and I've almost reached the 2 month mark without publishing a single post. Nevertheless, instead of falling off a hurtling wagon that I can't catch up with once I'm on the ground, this wagon is chained up to a tree with it's wheels replaced with bricks so when I lose my balance I can still clamber back on and hope no one was looking. (Quite the use of a cliché, I know!)

Expect to see the return of opinionated, sarcastic and oh-so-positive blog posts very soon.

You missed a spot

Spots, those ferocious, red, little (sometimes not so little) bumps that stand out like the kid in his uniform on home clothes day. My first experience with these persistent fuckers was when I was about 10. Granted it was the odd one here and there but it was still enough for me to be embarrassed and desperate for any solution to cover them up.

It wasn't until I was about 13 that they got carried away and started spreading like wild fire across my face. I smothered them in cheap makeup, which more often than not I didn't even wash off unless I was in the shower or I had excess room on an eye makeup remover pad. And I wondered why my skin was so bad.. gross! 

Almost a year later and I finally started taking the time to wash my face properly, a few months after that I went to the doctors to see what they could muster up for me. Their answer was oxytetracycline, a small yellow pill that resembled a smartie that I had to take 4 times a day.

It did next to nothing and a year later whilst I was on holiday I got tonsillitis and the call in doctor asked whether I was on any other additional medicines. When I told him what my dosage of this medication was and the length of time I had been taking it for he was almost picking his chin up from off the floor. Apparently if an antibiotic has had no effect after 6 months you should be taken off it and the dosage of oxtetracycline I was taking was one that I should have only really been having for the first few weeks. Nice going local GP!

I moved on to a variety of other medications for my acne but no result. I was referred to a specialist who recommended the pill or another type of drug but the side effects were pretty extreme citing skin drying and peeling off, migraines and extreme joint and muscle aches, insomnia and depression. Considering I had at the time just managed to tone down a spell of depression it didn't really seem worth it. I tried the pill but within a week didn't like it so I was back to square one.

In recent months my skin has calmed down a lot, I had been using a cream called duac and I'm currently using a rub on solution called Zineryt. I've tried every fancy cleansing and toning products out there and of late I'm using the Eucerin range which has been critically acclaimed. Apparently to give those products a fair chance you have to document your skin's change for up to 8-16 weeks. 

I've noticed I'm much more laid back about my skin now, I wear less makeup and I try and go out as much as possible without using it although I haven't reached the stage where I would go to college without it on yet. Acne can be such an arse ache and a real knock to your self esteem but at the end of the day I've got to a point now where I don't see why I should let something as literally small as a spot hold me back. 

Work hard and you'll succeed.... maybe

Meritocracy. 

The concept that if you're talented and you work hard you'll be successful and rewarded with what you've earned. Sure, there's a lot of people out there that have worked damn hard for their success and they have worked their way up from the bottom to the top. There's also a lot of people out there who haven't. There's a huge amount of successful people in the world who have got where they've got because of who they know and their pre existing status. 

On top of that if you really think about the people that have worked hard and have achieved what they have through talent, they're not necessarily the best possible person for the job. Luck is a huge factor of success. Timing, location, circumstance and background are all hugely significant as well. Think of all the people in third world countries who haven't had the proper access to education. How do we know that they don't have the capability to create something astonishing or become something incredible? Does everyone in third world countries have inferior brains to ours? No of course they don't, but they have just so happened to be born into a society that's not as affluent or supportive as the western world's. 

Even in western society opportunity isn't always fair and whilst success may come to someone who's worked hard and who's come from nothing they have still been lucky. There's still probably a whole selection of people who could potentially do the job better or who have more talent in their particular field than those who are above them, yet they go unnoticed. In the House of Commons the percentage of female politicians is currently 23% and the percentage of ethnic minority MPs is currently 4%. Are those statistics justified because white middle class men are just so greatly superior in the field? Of course they bloody aren't. The dissatisfaction of the public and the regularity of mistakes made by politicians says quite the opposite in fact. 

So just how much meritocracy is there really? 

18 things to do whilst I'm 18

I think it's fair to say that this year hasn't really been my year. College was meant to be my fresh start yet I've ended up in a worse place than before. I won't be playing the blame game but what I will be doing is just trying again.

For as long as I can remember I've always speculated over how my 18th birthday would pan out. In my head it was going to be massive and unforgettable and whilst that may not be the way it's going ahead I did always vow to myself that I'd get myself in check when I turned 18.

I suppose maybe the reason I'm so attracted to the idea of being more in control and having my life sorted when I'm 18 is the fact that legally I'm an adult. Realistically I know that means nothing. I'll still live at home and I'll still be at college. I won't wake up totally reborn with a new lease of life I'll just be a year older and I won't have to worry about my fake ID letting me down. However that doesn't mean I shouldn't at least try and change the things about my life that are getting me down. Typing that has made me think I've been overambitious but I don't care, I just want to try.

So I've made a list of 18 things to whilst I'm 18





















Even if I'm unable to fulfil everything that's on this list I'll still be happy if I just achieve one. I love setting myself targets and being able to tick them off once I've achieved them. I don't know whether it's the weird sense of enjoyment for the few seconds it takes to cross it off or the sense of pride at my productivity but either way I feel like this is the best way to go about trying to accomplish my goals.

Imagination

I live in a world in my head.

Not the Hogwarts or magical fairy land type world but somewhere that all my conversations are clever and amusing on my side and there's never an awkward silent moment. It's a place where every person I've ever wanted to be friends with is now desperate for my acceptance and every person I've ever dreamed of being with has been shot by cupid's bow and I'm effortlessly unaffected by their consistent attempts to win me over.

I'm cool. I'm uninterested, envied, the it girl.  

Except I'm not. There's nothing remotely cool about it. There's nothing cool about the fact that I sometimes catch myself immersed in this world when I'm walking down the street and talking to myself out loud (well actually talking to the other people in this world of mine.) There's nothing cool about the times I've laughed out loud at my own witty retort to the remark made by one of the 'characters', that actually I purposely made them say just so I could reply with a sharp tongue.

I rely on this world. It picks me up, it boosts my confidence. It's great shutting down any debate with your 'superior' opinion or being unfathomably inspirational for such a young person. Of course in reality I'm not and I don't really have people spluttering their words, desperately clinging on to their argument which has been immensely defeated by my concisely and eloquently put beliefs. If anything I'm the spluttering mess struggling to string a sentence together under pressure. I always have so much to say but I'm unable to get it out. It's like stage fright but on a ridiculous scale. That's why I love this world so much and I have no issue in admitting that I create scenarios daily.

I get so involved in the scenarios that when I'm envisioning a particular person in them I'm unable to stop myself believing that they're there with me at the time, in real life. I catch myself getting changed quickly and secretively and censoring my Google searches as if they're sat on the bed next to me. I talk to them regularly and actually typing this out is making me feel very strange about it all. How can this possibly be normal?

I found a quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson, an American essayist, lecturer and poet. He said ''Imagination is not a talent of some people, but is the health of every person.'' 

I didn't find anybody else's interpretations of it but how I read it was that imagination isn't a talent, it's not a trait found in a minority it's a trait found in all. Imagination is in the interest of the well being of the human race, it's what allows us freedom and escape but also the ability to grow.


His quote somehow reassures me that even if I may be a textbook lunatic my imagination is a gift. It's something that allows me to develop and be creative. I'm able to work on being the person I want to be by noting the way I portray myself in this alternate world. Even though it's my escape it's actually helping me realise which of my traits I'm disregarding and which additional attributes I'm taking on board as my own. 

Despite the fact that I probably shouldn't have admitted on the internet that I get so immersed in my own world I actually forget that I'm just making it up, I love my imagination. 

My sexuality

For some time now I've been scared to identify with any sexuality. Not for the expected reason, I'm very comfortable with the fact that I'm attracted to both sexes but at the same time it's something I suppose I do shy away from speaking about. That's because I am attracted to both sexes. It's almost somehow easier to be completely gay or straight because there's a sense of definiteness and assurance whereas bisexuality is seen as more erratic and well, fake.

I've explored this attitude towards bisexuality in a previous blogpost and it is an attitude that I think is very prominent in society and amongst all generations. Many see it as a cover up, a way to half come out but not commit to the full sexuality, a way to scarper from too much judgement. Some see it as a fashion statement (urgh) and others see it as a fairytale, a cover up for promiscuity and curiousness.

I'm additionally afraid to identify with this label as I'm not just 50/50 straight and gay. Again, sexuality is not that black and white so I struggle to explain to people that I'm more emotionally attracted to one gender and more sexually attracted to the other. A lot of people don't class that as bisexual and then I'm left in another middle ground, unable to identify with anything.

Is that so wrong though? Why should I be pressured to have a label? Being label-less doesn't change who I'm attracted to. I don't have to try and justify my sexuality. I'm confident within my feelings towards both men and women.

The issue I feel I face is how do I go about finding a girl who is only looking for a sexual relationship. It seems common to be accused of using people when you are bisexual and I feel a much stronger sexual attraction to women than I do romantic (although of late I've been starting to question that.) I would never purposely get involved with someone to use them or string them along, having no strings attached sex doesn't make me immoral.

However it is difficult not to get wrapped up in the stereotypes and the stigma. I catch myself worrying sometimes that maybe I am an attention seeker looking to exploit the sexualisation of girl on girl action (despite my over active mind, I'm definitely not.) Sometimes I wonder whether I can be a 'real' bisexual if I don't have an equal attraction to the sexes but as I've said before, I truly believe that sexuality is a spectrum and so it's perfectly normal to be somewhere near the middle without a perfect balance of allure to both men and women.