Update

Hi everyone,

I doubt there will be many people reading this as I haven't updated this blog in almost three years - sorry! However, I am still writing content I just moved to my own website, so if there is anyone left on this blog wondering what on earth happened, you have answers!

My website link is pretty simple - www.gracebraddock.com

I am still writing opinion pieces and I want to get back into the swing of it and have a proper schedule soon. However, in the last year I have branched out into news and features which is super exciting. So if you would like to join me on my new hangout that would be very much welcomed.

Thanks,
Grace

Sorry Hugo Rifkind but students aren't the idiots

I'm a cisgender white person, I'm not going to even try and argue that I know what real oppression feels like, however I do not agree with Hugo Rifkind's article on Germaine Greer. I personally completely agree with the petition to cancel her talk on feminism at Cardiff University due to her transphobic comments. Not only does it completely contradict the concept of feminism it also perpetuates further the exclusion and marginalisation of a very vulnerable group in society.

" 'Feminists' who exclude trans women basically admit to seeing women as walking vaginas. You know, like misogynists."

Whilst society is progressing there are still miles to go for so many issues, in particular trans rights and representation. Poor representation and integration into society only alienates individuals more and it can result in detrimental consequences. An article by the guardian in late 2014 documented that ''48% of trans people under 26... had attempted suicide'' and ''59% said they had at least considered doing so.'' With over half the young transgender community in the UK having considered suicide, the fact that Cardiff University are ignoring the pleas of thousands of petitioners is seriously problematic. 

Only in recent years have we started to see more positive representation of trans people in film and TV but there are still so many examples of 'casual' transphobia in the media that gets brushed under the rug. As shown below, the January 2015 issue of inTouch magazine photoshopped Bruce Jenner's image to make him appear as a woman many months before he announced his transition into a woman. This kind of 'light hearted' ridicule of someone in the public eye who was suspected as transitioning is so harmful for an individual that is trying to come to terms with their sex. It will likely silence and isolate individuals struggling with this issue further from their loved ones and peers if trans issues are poorly represented in mainstream media. 

So therefore inviting  a 'feminist' to speak at a Russell Group university in 2015 that has made transphobic remarks completely undermines the progress that's been made. It may seem excessive to say it permits and supports transphobia as an acceptable ideology but by ignoring the cries of so many transgender students and individuals worldwide, it does. There are plenty of examples of Greer using offensive slurs and rejecting the trans identity that Cardiff University should know better to invite her as an esteemed guest.

If an Islamophobe was to speak on behalf of the #BlackLivesMatter campaign it would seem completely void because how can you be against one kind of racism but not another? How can you be taken seriously? How can your points retain their substance when they are contradicted by your very own views?

So how can you be against one type of prejudice towards women and then discriminate against trans women? Every women's rights matter regardless of whether they have been born biologically a woman or if they have transitioned. 

I understand the argument that if you don't like or agree with her then you don't have to attend her talk but it still alienates trans students at Cardiff University who have felt marginalised by the organisation of the event in the first place.

Even without the transphobic comments why would fourth/fifth wave feminists want to hear a talk from a second wave feminist? We already know what it consists of and if it was relevant we'd still be in the second wave, but we're not. It's like Apple promoting the iPhone 3G when they've brought out the 6+. 

And quite frankly I'm fed up of the older generations behaving so righteously when it comes to us being the generation in power. Yeah because your's did such a great job with you know ruining the economy, starting an illegal war for oil and ignoring environmental issues. If our generation's problem is that we're 'too' inclusive then I think we're doing alright. 

Sources
http://www.theguardian.com/society/2014/nov/19/young-transgender-suicide-attempts-survey
http://www.thetimes.co.uk/tto/opinion/columnists/article4596927.ece
http://queerlife.co.za/ql/international/340-when-feminism-gets-transphobic.html
http://www.examiner.com/article/lgbt-groups-slam-bruce-jenner-sex-change-transition-tabloid-cover-as-cruel

Always look on the bright side of life

I think we can all be a little hard on ourselves sometimes. I'm not only no exception to this, I am the queen of this but whilst today I may have had the reality of meeting my demons in the flesh, there's still a silver lining.

I'm going to start documenting the positives in my life instead of falling into the rut of dwelling on the past and the bad. 

             This week's positives

1. I made more friends
2. I went outside my comfort zone more times than I have in the last year
3. I've socialised. As in I actually left the house on a Saturday night and I'm planning on doing it again this week. Crazy!
4. I actually did some work. Not much but you can't jump in a pool for the first time and start swimming like Rebecca Adlington.
5. I got answers/closure/acceptance
6. I have a fricking job now!!!! (Not at all exciting when I'm actually doing it but ££££)
7. I have made a copious number of plans for summer already and I feel like a human again 

So yeah, I'm proud of myself, something I never say and I think we all don't say enough but I genuinely am. I'm even proud that I'm acknowledging my positives because it's much more natural for me to just mope about and allow my mind to keep swilling the negative thoughts around, which surprisingly, doesn't make me feel too good.

Is the release of 'Go Set a Watchman' really what Harper Lee wants?

It has been announced today that a sequel to the much loved 'To Kill a Mockingbird' will be released 55 years after the popular novel. However some of the circumstances seem to be a little questionable.

For one, a source has revealed to The New York Times that although the book takes place 20 years after the first novel, it was actually written first. This may not seem too suspicious but considering that the announcement of this release has come three months after the death of her sister Alice Lee, who was her lawyer and advocate for decades and who has fiercely protected her wishes to remain private and impervious to unwanted outside attention, it appears to be an unlikely coincidence that the novel has been revealed now. 

Additionally after a stroke in 2007 the 88 year old author is nearly completely deaf, has lost 95% of her vision and suffers from memory loss as well as being partially paralysed and confined to a wheelchair, her attorney Tonja Carter, Alice Lee's successor, revealed. According to an article from Gawker back in July "Lee has a history of signing whatever's put in front of her, apparently sometimes with Carter's advice".  This information seems to imply an apparent case of exploitation of a person that's not fully mentally fit. 

It was only back in 2007 that is was alleged that Samuel Pinkus, the son-in-law of Lee's former literary agent, took advantage of her by manipulating her to transfer the ownership of the copyright of her best selling, 1960 novel to her agent. 

With stories of previous exploits of Miss Lee it seems somewhat alarming that the sequel has been announced for release when it has. Whilst I am thrilled to hear of a sequel and intrigued to discover what the Finch's life following the trial has been like, there's something unsettling about the circumstances surrounding the release. 

sources:-
http://jezebel.com/be-suspicious-of-the-new-harper-lee-novel-1683488258

http://gawker.com/how-unauthorized-is-the-new-book-about-harper-lee-1605214844
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/northamerica/usa/10037162/Harper-Lee-sues-over-To-Kill-a-Mockingbird-royalties.html

Asking for help

Asking for help, something I've intermittently put off for the last four years. I blamed it on anyone but myself. My parents for not caring, not helping, being dismissive. Having a history with my doctors personally to the point that I felt uncomfortable talking to them. ''I can fix it on my own.'' ''I'm getting better, I don't need help any more.'' ''There's nothing that can fix it.'' All the feeble excuses I riled around my head until I realised there was only one person to blame for not getting help, me.

This month I asked for help. It's one of my resolutions on the infinite tick list that is my life. I promised myself that when I reached 18, when I reached the new year, before I start uni I would get my life in check. I would face my eating disorder, face my loneliness, face my depression and kick them the fuck away.  

Whilst I'm rational in my views I'm not so rational about myself. I've repeatedly reassured myself that 'good things come to those who wait' and then sobbed hysterically at how painful and unfair it all is. Well what a load of bollocks, what do I expect? If I sit and feel sorry for myself and do absolutely nothing productive to fix the problem of course it's not going to get better. 'Good things come to those who wait'... my arse! 

Asking for help may seem like the final admission of your weakness and failure but actually it's the bravest and most powerful thing you can do. By admitting your lack of control you allow yourself to take charge of your direction again. By addressing your insecurities and shame you allow yourself to look them dead in the eye and tell them where to go. 

I've felt ashamed and embarrassed for so long. I've felt like verbalising my issues would make them real and that no one would look at me the same way again. I wouldn't be the bad bitch I wanted to be but the truth is I never was her, it was all an elaborate cover up I allowed my mind to wander off with so I could avoid the problem. 

I've asked for help and surely that's got to be the first step on the road to recovery.

The religion debate

Stephen Fry appeared on RTE's 'The Meaning of Life' on Sunday evening where he voiced his views on religion labelling God as ''utterly evil, capricious and monstrous.'' Fry has not shied away from the topic of God in the past and has been vocal in his association with Atheism. 

In response, in Russell Brand's latest instalment of 'Trews', his YouTube series where he weighs in on current affairs, Brand objects to Fry's ''literalism'' approach to religion and he says ''science can explain the mechanics of the universe... but can it ever explain the why? The answer is no''.  

Russell Brand adds ''What we all want to know is, is there a reason for us being here and what is the nature of the universe? What is the nature of our consciousness?'' He goes on to discuss a book by Robert Lanza, an American doctor and scientist which addresses the flaws in received Physics. Lanza states in a passage from the book that had ''the Big Bang been one-part-in-a-million more powerful it would have rushed out too fast for the galaxies and life to develop.'' He goes on to reference an additional 2 of 200 physical parameters to argue that it is difficult to believe they are random due to their precise nature.

Whilst the physics of the Big Bang is so complex I will never fully understand it, I can't help but feel that the ideology of creationism and the belief that for circumstances to require such precision the formation of the universe must be a deliberate act is somewhat narcissistic. I often think that because as a species we are so developed we often believe ourselves to be much more important and relevant than we are. 

Although I cannot argue that the extent of coincidences that went into the construction of our universe are unfathomable I still see them as just coincidences. It's scary to know that had one of 200 different factors been even minimally different our universe wouldn't exist and neither would our atoms or stars or our species, I still believe us to be irrelevant. We're a lucky accident just the same as the merging of a specific sperm and specific egg made my conscious self and not a wholly different child is a lucky accident for me.

I think the concept of God is the human race's assumption that we are more important than we are and therefore we must have been purposely created rather than a convenient coincidence for none other than ourselves. Russell Brand's dismissal of Science as it offers no 'why' is actually the evidence for the lack of a God to me. There's no answer because there's no question. There doesn't have to be a why because we're just being presumptuous.

Apart from the grandness and complexity of the universe being baffling if it held no life there wouldn't need to be any justification as to why all the factors that went into it's creation are all perfectly exact enough to hold life. We think of the universe as this amazing thing that must have a reason for existence just because it's our reason for existence. The human race serves no purpose to anyone or anything other than to ourselves so therefore there's no justification for our creation. We purely exist because we exist, we're a lucky accident.    

Do we really love the classics or are we just being righteous?

When I first read Dickens I couldn't shake the thought that he was just so pretentious. His extensive descriptions and elite language made me sure of it. Turns out I was wrong, seen as contextually he was actually a bit of a commoner and his target audience was the working class. That told me.

Even so, prior to 2014 I couldn't understand the hype around so many of the classics. I thought the majority of the plots in the literary canon weren't enticing enough, just the cliché boy meets girl storyline. Oh how ignorant I was. It's actually surprising to me how many classics seem to challenge the structure of society when the assumed audience of this genre are so commonly the elite, the ones that benefit from the hierarchy that's under fire and who resist revolution.

Whilst Shakespeare's metaphorical thinking is mind blowing and Orwell seems to be a psychic, it still begs the question of whether we respect the classics because of their literary greatness or because we are supposed to. It's ok to like Harry Potter but we can't put Rowling ahead of Austen because she's not good enough or because she hasn't stood the test of time?

The lack of ethnic representation in the canon clarifies my doubts on whether these books and authors really are the best of the best or whether they are purely a collection of works that the white elite have considered worthy of respect. I don't doubt the standard of writing for a minute but 'the best of the best' is always going to be a pair of boots that are too big to fill. 

Let me back on the wagon!

It's the 29th of January and by this point most people's new year's resolutions are buried 6 feet under and we all let out a sigh of disappointment citing 'maybe next year.' I'm definitely no exception to this custom. Every year I'm buzzing with the same level of unrealistic optimism that 'this year will be the year that everything changes' and there will be a 'new me'. There's a part of me that knows deep down that probably not even three days later I will have eaten my body weight in my Christmas chocolate, stayed in my pyjamas for 36 hours straight and made the most of the last few films being shown on TV before all the new seasons of our favourites are released again.

This year however, I did attack the whole new year's resolution a little differently. I didn't force myself to act as if the 1st of January was the make it or break it day, I just decided that whatever aims I have for this year I am allowed to say I have successfully achieved them as long as they are met by the 1st of Jan 2016.

If you look at my archive you can probably tell I had another blow to my motivation by the end of November and I've almost reached the 2 month mark without publishing a single post. Nevertheless, instead of falling off a hurtling wagon that I can't catch up with once I'm on the ground, this wagon is chained up to a tree with it's wheels replaced with bricks so when I lose my balance I can still clamber back on and hope no one was looking. (Quite the use of a cliché, I know!)

Expect to see the return of opinionated, sarcastic and oh-so-positive blog posts very soon.

You missed a spot

Spots, those ferocious, red, little (sometimes not so little) bumps that stand out like the kid in his uniform on home clothes day. My first experience with these persistent fuckers was when I was about 10. Granted it was the odd one here and there but it was still enough for me to be embarrassed and desperate for any solution to cover them up.

It wasn't until I was about 13 that they got carried away and started spreading like wild fire across my face. I smothered them in cheap makeup, which more often than not I didn't even wash off unless I was in the shower or I had excess room on an eye makeup remover pad. And I wondered why my skin was so bad.. gross! 

Almost a year later and I finally started taking the time to wash my face properly, a few months after that I went to the doctors to see what they could muster up for me. Their answer was oxytetracycline, a small yellow pill that resembled a smartie that I had to take 4 times a day.

It did next to nothing and a year later whilst I was on holiday I got tonsillitis and the call in doctor asked whether I was on any other additional medicines. When I told him what my dosage of this medication was and the length of time I had been taking it for he was almost picking his chin up from off the floor. Apparently if an antibiotic has had no effect after 6 months you should be taken off it and the dosage of oxtetracycline I was taking was one that I should have only really been having for the first few weeks. Nice going local GP!

I moved on to a variety of other medications for my acne but no result. I was referred to a specialist who recommended the pill or another type of drug but the side effects were pretty extreme citing skin drying and peeling off, migraines and extreme joint and muscle aches, insomnia and depression. Considering I had at the time just managed to tone down a spell of depression it didn't really seem worth it. I tried the pill but within a week didn't like it so I was back to square one.

In recent months my skin has calmed down a lot, I had been using a cream called duac and I'm currently using a rub on solution called Zineryt. I've tried every fancy cleansing and toning products out there and of late I'm using the Eucerin range which has been critically acclaimed. Apparently to give those products a fair chance you have to document your skin's change for up to 8-16 weeks. 

I've noticed I'm much more laid back about my skin now, I wear less makeup and I try and go out as much as possible without using it although I haven't reached the stage where I would go to college without it on yet. Acne can be such an arse ache and a real knock to your self esteem but at the end of the day I've got to a point now where I don't see why I should let something as literally small as a spot hold me back. 

Work hard and you'll succeed.... maybe

Meritocracy. 

The concept that if you're talented and you work hard you'll be successful and rewarded with what you've earned. Sure, there's a lot of people out there that have worked damn hard for their success and they have worked their way up from the bottom to the top. There's also a lot of people out there who haven't. There's a huge amount of successful people in the world who have got where they've got because of who they know and their pre existing status. 

On top of that if you really think about the people that have worked hard and have achieved what they have through talent, they're not necessarily the best possible person for the job. Luck is a huge factor of success. Timing, location, circumstance and background are all hugely significant as well. Think of all the people in third world countries who haven't had the proper access to education. How do we know that they don't have the capability to create something astonishing or become something incredible? Does everyone in third world countries have inferior brains to ours? No of course they don't, but they have just so happened to be born into a society that's not as affluent or supportive as the western world's. 

Even in western society opportunity isn't always fair and whilst success may come to someone who's worked hard and who's come from nothing they have still been lucky. There's still probably a whole selection of people who could potentially do the job better or who have more talent in their particular field than those who are above them, yet they go unnoticed. In the House of Commons the percentage of female politicians is currently 23% and the percentage of ethnic minority MPs is currently 4%. Are those statistics justified because white middle class men are just so greatly superior in the field? Of course they bloody aren't. The dissatisfaction of the public and the regularity of mistakes made by politicians says quite the opposite in fact. 

So just how much meritocracy is there really? 

18 things to do whilst I'm 18

I think it's fair to say that this year hasn't really been my year. College was meant to be my fresh start yet I've ended up in a worse place than before. I won't be playing the blame game but what I will be doing is just trying again.

For as long as I can remember I've always speculated over how my 18th birthday would pan out. In my head it was going to be massive and unforgettable and whilst that may not be the way it's going ahead I did always vow to myself that I'd get myself in check when I turned 18.

I suppose maybe the reason I'm so attracted to the idea of being more in control and having my life sorted when I'm 18 is the fact that legally I'm an adult. Realistically I know that means nothing. I'll still live at home and I'll still be at college. I won't wake up totally reborn with a new lease of life I'll just be a year older and I won't have to worry about my fake ID letting me down. However that doesn't mean I shouldn't at least try and change the things about my life that are getting me down. Typing that has made me think I've been overambitious but I don't care, I just want to try.

So I've made a list of 18 things to whilst I'm 18





















Even if I'm unable to fulfil everything that's on this list I'll still be happy if I just achieve one. I love setting myself targets and being able to tick them off once I've achieved them. I don't know whether it's the weird sense of enjoyment for the few seconds it takes to cross it off or the sense of pride at my productivity but either way I feel like this is the best way to go about trying to accomplish my goals.

Imagination

I live in a world in my head.

Not the Hogwarts or magical fairy land type world but somewhere that all my conversations are clever and amusing on my side and there's never an awkward silent moment. It's a place where every person I've ever wanted to be friends with is now desperate for my acceptance and every person I've ever dreamed of being with has been shot by cupid's bow and I'm effortlessly unaffected by their consistent attempts to win me over.

I'm cool. I'm uninterested, envied, the it girl.  

Except I'm not. There's nothing remotely cool about it. There's nothing cool about the fact that I sometimes catch myself immersed in this world when I'm walking down the street and talking to myself out loud (well actually talking to the other people in this world of mine.) There's nothing cool about the times I've laughed out loud at my own witty retort to the remark made by one of the 'characters', that actually I purposely made them say just so I could reply with a sharp tongue.

I rely on this world. It picks me up, it boosts my confidence. It's great shutting down any debate with your 'superior' opinion or being unfathomably inspirational for such a young person. Of course in reality I'm not and I don't really have people spluttering their words, desperately clinging on to their argument which has been immensely defeated by my concisely and eloquently put beliefs. If anything I'm the spluttering mess struggling to string a sentence together under pressure. I always have so much to say but I'm unable to get it out. It's like stage fright but on a ridiculous scale. That's why I love this world so much and I have no issue in admitting that I create scenarios daily.

I get so involved in the scenarios that when I'm envisioning a particular person in them I'm unable to stop myself believing that they're there with me at the time, in real life. I catch myself getting changed quickly and secretively and censoring my Google searches as if they're sat on the bed next to me. I talk to them regularly and actually typing this out is making me feel very strange about it all. How can this possibly be normal?

I found a quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson, an American essayist, lecturer and poet. He said ''Imagination is not a talent of some people, but is the health of every person.'' 

I didn't find anybody else's interpretations of it but how I read it was that imagination isn't a talent, it's not a trait found in a minority it's a trait found in all. Imagination is in the interest of the well being of the human race, it's what allows us freedom and escape but also the ability to grow.


His quote somehow reassures me that even if I may be a textbook lunatic my imagination is a gift. It's something that allows me to develop and be creative. I'm able to work on being the person I want to be by noting the way I portray myself in this alternate world. Even though it's my escape it's actually helping me realise which of my traits I'm disregarding and which additional attributes I'm taking on board as my own. 

Despite the fact that I probably shouldn't have admitted on the internet that I get so immersed in my own world I actually forget that I'm just making it up, I love my imagination. 

My sexuality

For some time now I've been scared to identify with any sexuality. Not for the expected reason, I'm very comfortable with the fact that I'm attracted to both sexes but at the same time it's something I suppose I do shy away from speaking about. That's because I am attracted to both sexes. It's almost somehow easier to be completely gay or straight because there's a sense of definiteness and assurance whereas bisexuality is seen as more erratic and well, fake.

I've explored this attitude towards bisexuality in a previous blogpost and it is an attitude that I think is very prominent in society and amongst all generations. Many see it as a cover up, a way to half come out but not commit to the full sexuality, a way to scarper from too much judgement. Some see it as a fashion statement (urgh) and others see it as a fairytale, a cover up for promiscuity and curiousness.

I'm additionally afraid to identify with this label as I'm not just 50/50 straight and gay. Again, sexuality is not that black and white so I struggle to explain to people that I'm more emotionally attracted to one gender and more sexually attracted to the other. A lot of people don't class that as bisexual and then I'm left in another middle ground, unable to identify with anything.

Is that so wrong though? Why should I be pressured to have a label? Being label-less doesn't change who I'm attracted to. I don't have to try and justify my sexuality. I'm confident within my feelings towards both men and women.

The issue I feel I face is how do I go about finding a girl who is only looking for a sexual relationship. It seems common to be accused of using people when you are bisexual and I feel a much stronger sexual attraction to women than I do romantic (although of late I've been starting to question that.) I would never purposely get involved with someone to use them or string them along, having no strings attached sex doesn't make me immoral.

However it is difficult not to get wrapped up in the stereotypes and the stigma. I catch myself worrying sometimes that maybe I am an attention seeker looking to exploit the sexualisation of girl on girl action (despite my over active mind, I'm definitely not.) Sometimes I wonder whether I can be a 'real' bisexual if I don't have an equal attraction to the sexes but as I've said before, I truly believe that sexuality is a spectrum and so it's perfectly normal to be somewhere near the middle without a perfect balance of allure to both men and women.

Flaky Friends

Many people come into your life and then leave again. That's normal, but I would have thought by now that someone, anyone would have stayed in mine.



I thought I had found some people that would never leave, or at least never permanently leave a while back.

When I joined my school in year 8 I picked up at instant friendship with a girl in my class. She was more than acquaintances and less than friends with a girl who was in our Spanish lesson. She was 'the bad girl'. She didn't take shit from anybody, she was brash and somewhat arrogant and I admired her and had a desperate desire to gain her hand in friendship.

Overtime we did become friends, we recruited other girls now and then but throughout our school life they fluttered in and out only to be replaced with alternative girls. Our friendship as a three though was pretty solid, we had the odd fight but they were normally justified disagreements so the fact that we managed to amend our friendship to the prior strength each time was a reassurance to me that this one was for the long haul.




Fast forward to late 2013. The friendship with the brash girl I so idolised back in year 8 Spanish has completely disintegrated. We were best friends throughout the whole of school yet by the start of college I'd realised she had stopped talking to me over the last few weeks of the summer. We had it out a month or so later and she admitted her disinterest in trying to fix our relationship, so I was left with a bit of a hole.

Fortunately my friendship with the other girl was as strong as ever. The distance we acquired from our separate colleges made us appreciate each others company even more and we found ourselves 'WhatsApp'ing constantly throughout our working days. Additionally our mutual anger towards friend number one somehow made our friendship even more solid, yet fast forward again to late 2014 and I'm worrying that we're hanging on a thread.




Our arrangements although to me are definite, to her are occasionally not a commitment. I try to keep my cool and understand that she is not purposely trying to let me down but I can't help but feel that if roles were reversed I would put in just a bit more effort to try and stick to our arrangements.

On top of that my jealousy is getting the better of me. I can't help comparing our friendship to the one she has with the black cloud that loomed over us in our last year of school. Whilst I honestly have no issue with her having other friends, we all do, it would be stupid to limit yourself to just one crowd of people, I can't help feeling that of late she is neglecting me somewhat.

With my constant affair with short term friendships and my attraction to what seems like flaky, inconsiderate people, I'm starting to worry that it's my friend picking that's faulty and I'm wondering how I can break out of it.

I will go down with this ship

Since becoming more 'internet' I've acquired somewhat of a new vocabulary. One of those words being 'ship' or 'shipping.'

This is a vague definition of the term as I believe it can be used to endorse friendships/bromances as well but nevertheless you get the general idea.

I will admit that since finding out the term I'm no stranger to shipping couples. A few of my own favourites include:

• Tyshley - Tyler Blackburn and Ashley Benson
• Hilary Duff and Mike Comrie (they have somehow escaped the shipping name ritual)
• and of course, everyone's favourite... Zalfie - Zoe Sugg and Alfie Deyes

I've found myself now trying to look back to when I was growing up and wondering if I ever subconsciously shipped anyone I knew in real life. I think realistically I did, it seems to be part of human nature.

I saw a post on Tumblr the other day and it seems to reinforce my theory that we have a natural urge to ship.

It's really interesting to me that the teachers at this person's school actually discussed it amongst themselves in the staff room and not only that but it was one of the most popular topics.


So why do we get to so heavily invested in other peoples lives and relationships?



Why do we feel an emotional bond to two people's affection towards each other, sometimes people we don't even know?

Is it something abnormal?


When I try and really think about why I get a light butterfly sensation in my stomach when I see two people who are either so clearly in love or so obviously meant to be together I think it's excitement. It's excitement for when I get to that point in my life, it's excitement for those people that already have. I adore seeing their cute 'fights' or affectionate gazes and gestures. I melt when I see their subconscious expressions of affection and I appreciate them and I don't want their happiness to end.

I think the reason we 'ship' people is the same reason we cry when we see a sad film or cringe when someone tells an embarrassing story. It's a natural human instinct to feel empathy towards another human or living beings emotions. Laughing is contagious, we can feel others sadness as our own pain and when we see two people that have an undeniable genuine connection, we naturally support it and want them to experience the happiness and love they have forever.

Kaya Scodelario

My long term affection for this young woman began in early 2010. I was 13 and for the first time I was checking out the series 'Skins'. I began watching from series 4 and initially I was a bit indifferent about her character Effy but as the episodes continued my infatuation with this character escalated.

There was a part of me that admired her, envied her and related to her. The emotional complexity of her character in series 4 outshone any of her prior performances (and I know this as I went on to watch every other series.) The effect that Effy has had on me even to this day out shadows any other experience I've had with any other role portrayed in TV or film.

Her character taught me that my vulnerability wasn't necessarily a weakness and that having to depend on someone sometimes doesn't mean that I'm not strong. Even throughout her emotional breakdown I still admired her, I still in some ways envied her and I still related to her.

Kaya is a stunning girl but she doesn't allow her looks to determine her roles. Yes, Effy was the it girl in many ways. Girls wanted to be her and boys wanted to be with her, but that wasn't all she had to offer. She was a very unique character which is what I think attracted so many people, not just her physical appearance.

Since taking such a shining to the role she played for so many years I developed quite the bond with this actress. She's the type of person I just want to see more of, constantly. I want to see all her performances, all her new personas. I want to note their similarities and differences between the character I have idolised for so long.

I love Kaya as an individual as well. I love watching her interviews and I follow both her Instagram and Twitter. The way she is outside of work has not let me down one bit, she's exactly as I expected. Laid back, cool, down to earth, funny. She doesn't seem to censor herself or manipulate the way she is perceived like I feel some other celebrities do and that's a pleasure to see.

I've managed to watch every maze runner interview before I've finished reading the book or seen the film but from what I can tell, I don't think I will be even close to disappointed by her performance. The character seems like she was made for Kaya to play her and that is always exciting. In one of her interviews at NerdHQ 2014, Kaya replied to a fans question with something that really struck a cord with me, ''I like playing intense women, because as women we are not simple. As much as the world wants us to be, we're aren't. There's nothing wrong with that, we shouldn't be ashamed of being emotional or messing up sometimes.. that's all part of what makes us human so I could never just be the girl next door, I need more than that as a person.''

So thank you Kaya, for being such a wonderful actress, woman and person. You are a constant inspiration to me and I appreciate everything you do.

The 'B' word

The modern riddle:

What's 9 letters long, makes you whole and finances your mild addiction to Nandos?

                                                                      (supposedly)

A boyfriend.

I never date. I never start seeing anyone and I definitely never have a boyfriend. I've survived pretty well without one so far so why do I have this voice in the back of my head saying that I should feel like I'm missing something? Like I'm weird for not trying to date. That I can't possibly be turning 18 in less than a week without having had a real relationship.

Probably because that voice is my mum's...

Being a 21st century teenager is in some ways unique. Throughout history humans have tried to find a partner, their other half, a prime mate and that is still apparent to this day but somewhere along the way the belief that you don't have to be in a monogamous relationship in order to have sex has flourished. As far as I can see this has lead to a huge decline in long term relationships amongst my generation.



Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of people my age out there in relationships but it doesn't seem like so much of a priority now. My friends and I are like kids when they're in a toy store and they've already found their dream toy but they can't bring themselves to leave behind all the other things they're still gawking at hopefully.

We're already scared of commitment. 

Our excuses are similar to that of the person who's finally managed to clamber past the first few steps of the career ladder. ''I'm really busy right now'' ''I have so much work I have to focus on'' ''I just don't have the time.''

Maybe it's just me? Maybe I am weird and everyone reading this won't have a clue what I'm talking about and think that my excuses are just that, and incredibly feeble.

I sometimes wonder whether my problem isn't my fear of commitment but my fear of commitment to the people showing an interest, even if it is just a cinema date. At the same time I've had this problem for as long as I can remember, even with the people I truly wanted to be with.



But after all this, what I really want right now is the availability to have sex with anyone I want and to have the guarantee that they'll never be a bad shag. Is that too much to ask for?

Gender and Sexuality

''That's not very lady like''                                                                                         ''Feelings are gay''
               ''Are you a lesbian then?''                                       ''He's really emotional, it's weird''

''She was probably the hottest girl in the year but then she got her hair cut like a lesbian.
She looks like a boy now''

Those are just a handful of the comments I've received and heard in the last few years.

I'm going to dissect these small quotes to show what the individual saying them is subconsciously (or possibly consciously) saying.

''That's not very lady like'' - Regardless of the fact that biologically you are a women and that without your consent and a long transitioning procedure you remain a women, if you do not adhere to your specific gender roles you are not 'lady like.'

''Feelings are gay'' - The idea that showing any sort of emotional vulnerability is an automatic admission of your sexual preference. That to be a 'real man' you must hide any kind of emotion including love, feelings, sadness. You must be 'macho' and 'strong' and showing emotion contradicts that. It also reinforces the idea that the term gay is an insult and a derogatory phrase, which it is not.

''Are you a lesbian then?'' - The automatic response to an admission of physical or emotional attraction to the same sex (in this case a female.) Stresses the idea that if you find someone of the same sex physically attractive you are automatically sexually attracted to them rather than just appreciating your admiration of their appearance. Doesn't consider the concept of pansexuality, bisexuality or the idea that sexuality is a spectrum rather than a black and white thing.

''He's really emotional, it's weird'' - The idea that a male showing emotion is abnormal and additionally should be frowned upon. Does not consider the fact that as a human being if one gender has the capacity to show emotion and vulnerability so does any other. Reinforces gender roles and that the sexes are separate and isolated from each other.

''She was probably the hottest girl in the year but then she got her hair cut like a lesbian. She looks like a boy now'' - The idea that although she was the most physically attractive girl this person had met the result of cutting a few inches of hair off has now made her appear to have changed genders, regardless of the fact that she remains to facially look the same and have the exact same fashion sense. Portrays the idea that a simple act of cutting ones hair is enough to determine their sexual preference and additionally change their sexual preference and sex.


All these quotes are based on such old fashioned ideals. We're instructed to take on the role of a specific gender just because we were born with certain sexual reproductive organs, despite the fact that realistically the roles are largely intensified.

I'm aware biologically the different sexes tend to naturally have some different roles ie the woman is more maternal whereas the male is physically stronger. This doesn't mean that a woman isn't a woman if she doesn't have a desire to have children or a man isn't a man because he prefers the arts to sports and science.

It also doesn't require that the sexes must conform to certain physical characteristics. If a woman wants short hair and to dress more typically 'masculine' that doesn't mean she's a lesbian or wants to be a boy, she's just dressing the way she feels comfortable.

This applies to emotional attributes as well. If a male feels more comfortable  when he is able to show his emotions and tell others how he feels it does not mean he's gay or weak.

The idea of masculinity and femininity to me seems like a way of separating man and women and is an additional way to reinforce patriarchy even though at times it can suppress men too. Just like sexuality, gender is a spectrum. Men aren't naturally emotionless, they are taught to suppress they're feelings to appear dominant and strong. Women don't have a natural desire to wear makeup and be excessively feminine, they are taught to. We are all taught ways to conform to our gender roles from the day we are born, whether it be through the colour codes of our baby grows to the toys we were bought as we grew up.

Sexuality is the same. We are lead to believe that you're straight or you're gay. Bisexuality is acknowledged but the stigma surrounding the label is one of doubt. Many believe it's a coward's label, an attention seeker's label, a commitment phobe's label. However it's just as much of a spectrum as gender.

Is misogyny still alive and kicking?

Dapper Laughs has made news again this week after one of his shows was cancelled at the University of Cardiff due to a petition signed by 700 students against his performance.
According to the metro 'A petition entitled ‘Ban Dapper Laughs’ Show,’ was started by student Vicky Chandler, who called for his appearance to be pulled, branding it ‘a soap box for his misogyny inside the walls of an academic establishment that claims to protect the rights of its students.’' 

I couldn't agree more with Chandler and the rest of this egotistical man's (if you can call him that) critics. He's a danger to the rising rape culture we face today as he regularly glamorizes the idea that men are entitled to females' bodies and that the only thing we as women have to offer men is our appearance and vaginas.  

The ever growing 'lad' subculture are the target audience for his un-funny 'comedy' videos. He's played a huge role in influencing puberty ridden boys up to young men that the way to get a girl is to make some grotesque comment about how you can make them 'proper moist' or to use the (not at all derogatory) cat call.

What's possibly even more damaging than his videos is the tirade of support he has received for them. As expected the majority of fans are young and male. However an even more worrying public display of support came from Liam Payne of One Direction who is renowned for his young and impressionable female fan base. It's not an overstatement to say that a lot of his fans would change their behaviour for the love and attention of their idol so this tweet has the ability to be detrimental to the attitudes of some pubescent girls desperate for the approval of their hero.

The fact that there's a section of the entertainment industry that is accommodating and reinforcing every day sexism by giving air time to men like Dapper Laughs is beyond me.



The bitter truth that a man is able to make his living off of subduing women to the ideal that they exist purely for man's pleasure is truly staggering. What's worse is we as a society are subconsciously promoting his career method by either doing nothing about it or worse yet actually supporting him and the producers of his show.

Loneliness

As I slowly wake up, sprawled wide across my bed, duvet array and the polar opposite of it's neat presentation the night before, I dread getting up. I dread opening my eyes, I dread leaving my bed, my safe haven, my literal comfort blanket and I dread the thought of the day ahead of me. I suppose it's rare to find a morning person but this is beyond a small hatred of crawling into the icy air. This is an overwhelming hatred of the day ahead, college, my life. I'm miserable again, I'm lonely, unmotivated, disappointed, embarrassed, ashamed and depressed.

I'm desperate to change my life up, to break the monotonous routine of counting down the minutes until my lesson finishes, racing to my car to drive home for my frees and jumping straight on to YouTube or Tumblr to try and escape my loneliness. The fear of having to stay at college for the short hour long free, doing everything in my power not to be caught alone and friendless but simultaneously avoiding any of the work or revision I should be doing is crippling.

That seems to be one of my issues. It's not just that I hate my life but I don't even have the drive to change it. I don't have the interest or the motivation to do any work whatsoever, I can't bring myself to push outside my comfort zone and nudge my way into a friendship group. I am desperate for an income but I haven't even got the motivation to finish my CV and sit through the hours of online applications required. I'm well an truly lifeless. I'm a physical body with no substance.

I remember a time when I had escaped these thoughts. I promised myself I would never be in a situation like this again, I even laughed at the prosperity of returning to that mindset. I couldn't fathom being that depressed or unsuccessful in all the endeavours I undertook but here I am. I'm back to square one, I have fallen back into all the bad habits I once thought were gone for good, I'm having those dreaded thoughts which I thought would never return. I feel alone and hopeless once more and the incredible embarrassment I have due to that is crushing me.

I've gone from having friends in every direction to virtually none. I now have one friend, I see her almost never. I barely even speak to her now and that's as much my fault as it is her's. She has other friends. I don't. Her friends are local, she is not. Alongside my loneliness lies my feeble excuses.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I hope because I know that despite my loss of drive and life I should keep pushing myself. I can't say it's remotely easy though when the one thing you require to defy the loss of interest in life is the one thing you don't have.